Those Words from My Parent That Helped Me as a New Father

"I believe I was simply just surviving for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a good spot. You need some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to talking about the stress on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a show of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a break - taking a few days overseas, away from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a friend, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their issues, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."